We now return to your regularly scheduled sermonizing.
Wow, so much has happened in the world since my last post. The Winter Olympics. The Oscars. Bird flu reaching Western Europe. The shooting of an old guy in the face by a sitting Vice President.
But I'm not here to talk about those things. Instead I'm going to talk about balconies and patios. As many of you know, I've long harbored a dream of being mayor of New York City. Not so much of being elected as of unilaterally declaring my ascension ot the job. All I lacked was a suitable platform.
But today I found it. I was on the roof of my building, 32 stories up, enjoying the nicest weather we've had in months, when I noticed something. Of the many luxurious rooftop patios and balconies visible from my shitty, tarpaper-floored perch, not one was occupied. Actually, exactly one was, by what appeared to be a cleaning woman washing windows, presumably so the occupants of that apartment could enjoy the skyline without, you know, actually going outside. Moreover, this is not the first time I've noticed this phenomenon. In the dozens of times I've been up to the roof, I've spotted maybe a handful of people actually enjoying their landscaped decks and terraces.
I understand why these spaces are typically empty in the summer -- after all, any family wealthy enough to own a penthouse apartment with a furnished patio on the Upper East Side probably spends its weekends in the Hamptons. But on a beautiful day in March?
Which brings me to my platform: eminent domain in the sky. Any outdoor space on a rooftop or balcony observed to go unused for, say, 60 days between April 1 and October 1 gets appropriated for public use. While there are some kinks to work out -- notably how to get onto someone's terrace without walking through their apartment -- the beauty of this plan is everyone wins. The non-rich get access to some of the poshest hangouts in the city. The rich who maybe weren't getting as much enjoyment as they should out of their patios suddently have a strong incentive to spend more time lounging in the sun. And those people who genuinely had no use for their ficus-strewn rooftop decks get relieved of a big chunk of property tax-generating real estate. Brilliant, no?
But I'm not here to talk about those things. Instead I'm going to talk about balconies and patios. As many of you know, I've long harbored a dream of being mayor of New York City. Not so much of being elected as of unilaterally declaring my ascension ot the job. All I lacked was a suitable platform.
But today I found it. I was on the roof of my building, 32 stories up, enjoying the nicest weather we've had in months, when I noticed something. Of the many luxurious rooftop patios and balconies visible from my shitty, tarpaper-floored perch, not one was occupied. Actually, exactly one was, by what appeared to be a cleaning woman washing windows, presumably so the occupants of that apartment could enjoy the skyline without, you know, actually going outside. Moreover, this is not the first time I've noticed this phenomenon. In the dozens of times I've been up to the roof, I've spotted maybe a handful of people actually enjoying their landscaped decks and terraces.
I understand why these spaces are typically empty in the summer -- after all, any family wealthy enough to own a penthouse apartment with a furnished patio on the Upper East Side probably spends its weekends in the Hamptons. But on a beautiful day in March?
Which brings me to my platform: eminent domain in the sky. Any outdoor space on a rooftop or balcony observed to go unused for, say, 60 days between April 1 and October 1 gets appropriated for public use. While there are some kinks to work out -- notably how to get onto someone's terrace without walking through their apartment -- the beauty of this plan is everyone wins. The non-rich get access to some of the poshest hangouts in the city. The rich who maybe weren't getting as much enjoyment as they should out of their patios suddently have a strong incentive to spend more time lounging in the sun. And those people who genuinely had no use for their ficus-strewn rooftop decks get relieved of a big chunk of property tax-generating real estate. Brilliant, no?
posted by Jeff at 12:39 PM
1 Comments:
Thanks to Mr. Fantastic and Steve the Sniper for urging me to get off my ass and write a new post. It's good to know (sniff) there are people out there (sniff) who care.
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